May 30, 2024
What do you know about our company?
Well, I know that you’re hiring. I know that your company sucks and has a high turnover rate. Why don’t you tell me what your company is all about? Why do I have to do all the research? I’m not even getting paid right now, so technically I can’t invest any energy into learning about your stupid company and the bullshit products and services you sell. I’m sure it is a bunch of garbage that nobody needs but that I will have to convince people to buy using guilt trips and aggressive upselling tactics.
What unique qualities or abilities would you bring to this job?
My unique ability to make everyone around me miserable. My amazing talent to see every single flaw you have and call you out on it in front of customers and clients. My ability to do the least amount of work out of all your employees and still manage to get a paycheck.
What are your major strengths and weaknesses?
My strengths are:
Exploiting a company like this one for my own personal gain. Using people as steppingstones on my way to the top. Stealing company property without getting caught. Blaming stuff on other people. Filing lawsuits against employers for any reason I can find. Getting injured on the job right away and collecting worker’s comp. I excel at mind-fucking people and causing them to have persistent panic attacks and other mental health issues.
My weaknesses are:
Showing up on time. Showing up at all. Staying motivated during a long day of repetitive bullshit like what I’d be doing here. Being friendly and helpful to customers is also not one of my strengths. I can’t stand people at the best of times. I’m not very good at following orders or finishing tasks. I don’t do well with group assignments or team related stuff. I would not consider myself a team player. Cleaning up after myself is also a weakness. I don’t care about improving my job-related skills or taking on any extra responsibility. I’m not good under pressure. I try not to work very hard unless the boss is watching. I steal food from other employees because all my money goes to gambling debts and to pay for other illegal stuff I can’t mention here.
How long do you plan to stay at our company?
That depends on you. How badly do you want me to stay? If this company meets my expectations and if I see some genuine effort on your part to make me want to stay here, maybe a few months. Let’s see what happens. I don’t like to speculate about the future, but I can guarantee that I won’t be working here in 5 years. I’ve never even held a job for longer than 5 months!
Tell me about a time you failed and what you did afterwards:
No. I will not tell you about ‘“a time I failed and what I did afterwards”. What kind of stupid question is that!? Failure is not an option, dick. Failures make me look weak and vulnerable. Why the fuck are you asking me that!? You trying to make me look bad? You want to brawl? I’ll fuck you up, bitch! Call security, I don’t care!
Why did you leave your last job?
I put in my two-week notice and started looking for a different job. Okay, that’s a lie. My previous employer was corrupt, and they just straight-up hated me and wanted to sabotage me from the beginning. Fuck them, I don’t give a fuck about those wankers. Terrible company. My previous boss was a stupid whore and now I write her phone number in every public bathroom stall I shit in. Okay, so that was also a lie. They were a decent company, I simply decided to leave. Well, technically it wasn’t my choice to leave, I was ‘terminated’ for doing a bunch of scary and illegal stuff and no I don’t want to talk about it. Are you going to run a background check on me or something? Who cares about my last job, anyway?
What characterizes a good boss/colleague from your point of view?
A good boss doesn’t ask a bunch of stupid questions. A good colleague knows when to keep their mouth shut. A good boss is not monitoring me or hovering around to ‘see what I’m up to.’ A good colleague will cover my shift for me when I am throwing up stomach bile because I’m too hung over to show up to work. A good boss will front me my paycheck in the middle of the month so I can buy drugs and hookers. A good colleague will not rat me out when they discover I am defrauding the company.
What motivates you in work?
Only Satanic forces can motivate me. When the demons possess my body and mind, I can do my best work. And Satan’s work is very important. I must help to usher in the antichrist and ensure that humanity is enslaved for another 2000 years. I suppose I am also motivated by the desire to scam as many people as possible, and this job will give me a steady supply of suckers to fleece.
What are your salary expectations?
$50 per hour to start. $75 per hour after 3 months. It really doesn’t matter how much you pay me. I will be stealing so much cash from this company that your measly little paycheck will be a tiny insignificant blip in my bank account. We both know that you won’t pay me anything more than you absolutely have to, so why even bother asking me?
When can you start?
As soon as you stop asking me all these stupid questions.
Tell us about your greatest achievement.
I have never achieved anything “great”, and I am okay with that.
What are your goals in five years?
5 years is a long time. I would certainly be suicidal if I stayed at this company for that long. I’m not even sure where my next meal is coming from or where I’ll be sleeping tonight. Your company probably won’t even be in business in 5 years.
Do you have any questions?
Can I leave now? You are annoying and ugly. This job interview is making me depressed.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.