Snarky Answers to Job Interview Questions Pt 2
Tell me about yourself.
Oh god, this question. Look I’d rather not. It wouldn’t make much sense and I’m sure you don’t have much of an attention span or any interest whatsoever in learning about who I am beyond whether I can be exploited and therefore what I say can and will be used against me. You want my Facebook password too? Don’t worry, I’ve never said anything controversial in my entire life! I’ve never raised any eyebrows or deviated from the safe and acceptable path of normalcy. Squeaky clean, Sir. Don’t even bother looking. It’d be a waste of a background check.
What do you consider to be your greatest professional strengths?
I don’t have any professional strengths. I would not consider myself “professional” in any way. If I was a professional, I certainly would not be applying for this low-wage dead end job! Come on, buddy! You expect people to have professionalism when you exploit them and purposely prevent them from earning a living wage? I fail to see how this strategy is sustainable in the long run.
What would you say are your weaknesses?
I have many weaknesses.
Why do you want this job?
Money. That is all. I could care less about your company, or how much money you make.
Why should we hire you?
Who is ‘we’? What are you talking about? Why should I work for you, anyway? You need to convince me. See how I just flipped the script? Now you’re the one in the hot seat. How does it feel? Don’t say the wrong thing!
What would you contribute to this job?
My contributions to this company will be proportional to the amount of money you’d be paying me per hour. So in this case, I will be contributing very little. I think that’s more than fair, don’t you?
If you had a personal mission statement, what would it be?
Hippity hoppity, abolish private property!
If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
Anti-Work!
What do you feel makes you unique?
I am a rare type of evil. I am the type of employee that you will be promoting. And at the same time I will be quietly sabotaging your business. I am a covert narcissist, and I feel the world owes me everything. I have a special kind of pain that you cannot understand and as a result I look at people as objects to exploit any way I choose. I am proud of my ability to cause chaos and confusion in the lives of those around me. I have a unique ability of forcing people to confront uncomfortable things about themselves.
What do you find motivating?
My motivation comes from the sweet satisfaction of making ‘normies’ uncomfortable. Anything action that produces the tears of a defeated liberal is a motivating factor for me.
How do you define and measure success?
I think we need to define what ‘success’ is first. Your idea of success is how much you can exploit my labor for profit. ….
Where do you see yourself in five years?
I see myself in another city, in another state, completely broke, trying to avoid a run-in with the law, and desperately looking for work to support my self-indulgent lifestyle. Basically, what I am doing right now.
How does this position fit in with the career path you see for yourself?
Okay, first of all, I don’t have a “career path” and second, this position I am taking is only for the purpose of saving up enough money to get the fuck out of this town. God damn, why does every hiring manager want to know my hopes and dreams!? Are we going to start a life together and settle down? Maybe have a few kids and a rental property? Are you proposing to me?
Would you consider yourself a big-picture person or a detail-oriented person?
I would consider myself a ‘do nothing’ person.
What are some of your hobbies?
Trolling people on the internet. Saying edgy stuff on social media. Harassing minorities and immigrants. That kind of stuff. I like to cause trouble, question authority, expose corporate wrongdoings. On the weekends I am protesting late-stage capitalism and organizing a communist anarcho-collective.
What were some responsibilities in your previous job?
What’s your work style like?
My work style is chaotic and stressful for those around me. You either get on board with my way of doing things, or you get run over like a skunk crossing the highway. I am unrelenting and a perfectionist. I don’t take orders from anyone, and I’m certainly not going to be bossed around by some punk-ass manager or stuck-up owner. It’s my way or the highway, know what I’m saying?
What were some of your favorite things to do in your last position?
My favorite activity was randomly moving inventory around to confuse the next person who came along when I clocked out. Really weird stuff like pouring syrup on the shopping cart handles and putting ‘Out of order’ signs on the cash registers and bathroom doors just for the fuck of it.
One of my personal favorite activities is asking out other employees on dates and hooking up with everyone I can. I enjoy making sexual remarks towards other employees and managers. I do unusual things to get attention and will act out when I feel unappreciated. I enjoy any activity where I do not have to interact with customers and other employees.
I have been known to help people steal high ticket items for a small fee. I sell customers merchandise that I have not rung up and pocket the cash. I like to organize unions whenever I can.
What were some of your least favorite things to do in your last job?
I hate work. I hate showing up, I hate the feeling of being in the same place every day for 40 hours a week. I hate smiling when I don’t want to.
I hate convincing people to buy shit they don’t need. I hate needy customers and clients that think the universe revolves around them. I hate being talked to like a 5-year-old.
I hate having to celebrate when my employer makes a huge amount of money, since %99.9999 of it will not be going to me. I can’t stand being told to increase my productivity. I hate stupid coworkers that gossip and talk shit about me. I hate the products my employer sells. What a bunch of ridiculous crap.
I hate the pressure to perform better than everyone else to avoid being laid off / fired. I hate how stingy my employer is. And you do this every day no matter what, as if the world needs your business operating for any legitimate reason!
What would your manager say are your best strengths?
I’m afraid you’ll never be speaking with my previous manager. What they would say about me is not good. Extremely bad. I’m planning on doing whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. I included a fake name and number on my resume. My previous employer doesn’t exist as far as you’re concerned.
What would your manager say are areas that you need to develop more?
Okay, no more questions about my last employer. Think you can handle that? Idiot.
How do you make decisions?
What could you contribute to make this company better?
Look chief, this isn’t the kind of hourly pay that would motivate me to do anything above the bare minimum. You have got to try harder than that.
How do you manage your time?
My time management can be summed up as “never do right now what you can put off until later”
What’s a goal you have for self-improvement in the next year?
Oh no…no…I quit all that ‘goal’ stuff many years ago. So no…yeah.
How has your education gotten you ready for your career?
It has not made one bit of difference. My education was a huge waste of time and money. “Education” means learning how to take orders and being conditioned to believe in things that are not in my best interest.
If you got this job, what would some of your goals be?
Here we go again with the ‘goals’ crap.
Do you prefer working in a team or alone?
I prefer to stay as far away from other humans as possible.
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