Can you explain the gap in your employment history?
Yes, I can. Even though answering this question truthfully will almost certainly disqualify me for the position.
After working a mind-numbingly stupid job for minimum wage and impossible hours that never qualified me for full-time benefits, I had a crippling mental health crisis. I realized that I was doing most of the heavy lifting (both literally and figuratively) for a company that basically considered me an exploitable idiot.
Everything was upside down at this company. The owner did absolutely nothing and took home the lion’s share of my surplus labor value. He scolded me for being 5 minutes late for work and disciplined me when I consumed more than 8 ounces of the company’s coca cola. The manager would stand around looking for something to critique me on instead of helping with the endless demands of rude, impatient, self-centered customers. My fellow coworkers were lazy narcissists that never did their fair share of work.
I was reminded repeatedly that there was no possibility of advancement in the company and that my hourly wage increases would be capped at 50 cents. I decided that I needed to take an extended break from this joyless existence that is modern day employment. That was about 10 years ago. Was it the right decision? Absolutely.
What did you do during your time away from the workforce?
Once the money ran out and I could no longer afford to pay rent, I ended up living in an abandoned house with a group of professional squatters, fraudsters, and con artists. I learned valuable skills like check fraud, credit card hacking, cloning, skimming, and RFID chip capture. With this knowledge I was able to earn twice the amount of money that I did at my last legitimate job while spending 1/16th of the amount of time working. Eventually I moved on to more lucrative endeavors such as organized retail theft, home invasions, extortion, money laundering, and various other side-hustles.
Were there any personal challenges you had to overcome during your employment gap?
Internalized unemployment stigma was the major challenge I had to overcome. I had to withstand the endless barrage of criticism and shame attacks from people that discovered I was ‘outside of the workforce’.
It was challenging and took constant diligence and hard work not to be affected by the microaggressions of miserable people. They think anyone who is unemployed is a bum, a loser, a freeloader, or a grifter. I had to completely change the way I thought about my self-worth. Believe it or not, there is the possibility of living a comfortable life outside of the work force. Everyone is trying to escape from capitalism, whether they realize it or not. I don’t need to be employed and earning money in order to feel good about myself. Fuck all that.
How did you manage your time while you were not working?
Are you trying to imply that I was not working? That is deeply offensive to me. I work every day. I work harder than most people who are full-time employees. I have multiple life goals and hobbies that I am passionate about. I work on them whenever I can. The only difference is that I am not being paid for these endeavors. Does that make them any less important than time spent in gainful employment?
Did you acquire any new skills while you were not employed?
Yes. I learned how to survive with no money. None. I used my freegan skills to live comfortably from the things people needlessly waste. Everything I have I found for free. I actually don’t need to worry about money anymore. Sure, I can work if I want to, but I’m no longer gullible enough to believe it is my only option.
What motivated you to re-enter the job market now?
I was just curious to see if the job market was any better now than it was when I dropped out of the workforce 10 years ago. The answer to that question is NO. In fact, the job market is even worse, and I can’t wait until I save up enough money to drop out again. Free time is precious. You have to selfishly hoard as much of it as you possibly can.
What motivated you to ask about the gaps in my employment history? Are you afraid of someone that has gaps in their work history? Isn’t that sort of stupid? You want perfect employees that have never had to struggle through a period of unemployment? Good luck finding that. Why don’t you just hire robots?
How has your perspective or approach to work changed after your break?
This is a fantastic question. The answer is that I no longer tolerate greedy employers that try to bait and switch me into accepting a role that I did not apply for. I won’t work harder than someone who is being paid more than I am. I won’t sacrifice my personal life for my job. I won’t censor myself when something needs to be said.
I won’t take any unnecessary risks for my employer. I won’t work for free. I won’t perform duties that are not listed in my job description. I won’t be intimidated by anyone. I won’t be silenced. I won’t just accept any job that comes my way. I won’t attend any unpaid work-related meetings or seminars. I won’t settle for less than what I deserve.